Any non-Scottish people caught wearing kilts at weddings face at least ten years’ hard labour in a Polish prison under a new EU ruling. Sales of kilts as far south as Devon have increased ten-fold in the last 15 years, a boom attributed to increasing amounts of men seeking to distinguish themselves in a wacky way in a large group of other people.
Under the ruling, which is expected to pave the way to Scotland’s independence from the UK, any kilt-wearers unable to prove they were born north of the border face will have their kilts removed in public, before being flogged 150 times. They will then face immediate deportation to a Polish working prison, with no chance of appeal.
The first man to be punished was Tom Bowles, 27, a chartered accountant from Surbiton. He said: ‘I once went on a stag do in Edinburgh, and had a McVitie’s biscuit a few years ago. I thought this would be more than enough to justify claiming some links with Scotland, but now I realise the error of my ways.’ While gingerly tending to his wounds, Mr Bowles added: ‘I realise now that I should have just worn a suit like everyone else. I’m not special after all.’