On Thursday, the Iranian Ministry of Nuclear Deception released sketches of what it called a ‘mega-kettle’, 400 metres tall and 100 metres wide, and buried a mile underground near mountains close to Tehran.
‘This machine – the world’s greatest and largest heater of water – is so large it can be powered only by nuclear rods, which are coincidentally also able to fit into weapons that would destroy the Israeli infidels,’ said the Minister of Deception, Ali al Missavaei. He said the giant nuclear kettle would be capable of producing enough boiling water every hour to supply 170,000 Cup a Soups.
Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said: ‘All along, we have only been producing this kettle, and not splendid, shiny bombs that could wipe our eternal enemy Israel off the planet at the touch of a button. Our intentions have always been innocent, and any claims I may have made that I would not sleep until the blood of every Israeli man, woman and child ran into the soil were taken out of context. Anyone fancy a cuppa?’
A spokesman for the Israeli Ministry of Disinformation said Israel would soon be seeking to build a nuclear kettle of its own. ‘If our enemy is able to fill the hot water bottles of all its people through the glory of nuclear power, and make Ovaltine for every citizen at night, then we too should have that same right.’