‘Boxing in its infancy allowed men to have the novel experience of being able to punch seven shades of shit out of each other in the controlled environment of a boxing ring, especially if they remembered to grasp a bar of lead before putting the gloves on,’ laughed the UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon today ‘and passers-by didn’t get hit over the head with a bar stool. More rules followed, most importantly the ‘Round, Break, Round, Break’ sequence – which generally gave better survival rates. We see no reason why this wouldn’t work with war which, if we’re being honest, has a truly dreadful Health & Safety history.’
Mr Ban enthusiastically outlined how, with just an hour’s pause in hostilities each day, combatants might nip down to A&E for urgent medical treatment or, if it was a local event, perhaps do the school run or fit in the weekly Tesco shop. ‘Or maybe just chill out for a while, with a blueberry muffin and skinny Mochachino in Starbucks’ he suggested.
UN military analysts, trained on ‘Demolition City 2’ and ‘War of Legends’, and informed by TV coverage of conflicts in the Middle East, believe traditional war waging is no longer fit for purpose. ‘What we’re after in the 21st century is a truly civil war’ said the Secretary General, ‘with a handshake at the end and none of that rape and pillage malarkey.’
He went on to outline his own ideas for fairer wars, including ‘trained medical staff on hand, a referee to break up the party if things really start to get out of hand, three independent judges to score the event, toilet facilities, non-contributory pensions, safe sex advice, a rest room and two dedicated smoking areas. One to smoke cigarettes and cigars in; the other to be placed in after you’ve been hit with incendiary ordnance. That should stop other people being affected by your smoking.’
Some insiders have suggest that, outside the world of on-line gaming, there might be some difficulty in enforcing such rules but the UN boss was upbeat. ‘On the day, the referee could dock a side one or more points or even disqualify them from the match. Then, post-match, we have severe financial penalties or even the loss of a War Licence. We’ll stop at nothing to ensure fair play.’