People intending to purchase a modern flat screen television or fancy new plasma screen should take a long hard look at themselves if they care in the slightest about having their family terrorised by a malevolent being that feeds off psychokinetic energy, the nation’s poltergeists warned last night.
Discarnate entities throughout the astral plane claim that their natural habitat of roomy 1980s box-style televisions, which are always giving off static, is coming under increasing threat from new-fangled sets way too small to fit inside, let alone serve as a handy portal to another dimension into which they can abduct your kids.
And unless the trend is reversed, typical poltergeist phenomena such as having all your furniture smashed up or being picked up by an invisible pair of hands and thrown violently down the stairs could soon become a thing of the past. Sue and Alan Johnson of Enfield are one such family who witnessed a dramatic decline in paranormal activity after throwing their old-style TV onto a skip and investing in a 40 inch LG plasma screen. Mr Johnson said, ‘putting up with the kind of shit you get on Freeview seems a small price to pay for not being bitten, scratched or having your six-year old disappear into the set while she’s watching CBeebies.’
Mrs Johnson, however, disagreed. ‘Although watching Masterchef in HD takes some beating, I kind of miss the days where I’d come home to find the house full of flies, our wedding photos lying in tatters and the words ‘Get Out Bitch’ scrawled across the mirror in lipstick. But as I said to Alan, you have to expect this kind of thing when your home is built on an ancient Indian burial mound – which, I admit, is rather unusual for North London.’
Meanwhile, the spook behind the disturbances, ‘Bill’, said ‘the old set was brilliant. On a good day you could fit up to three of four spirits in there and have room left over for a small terrified infant. But now it’s all plasma this and LCD that – we poltergeists are a dying breed. ’
‘Now those scum bags who tried to have me evicted might call that progress but there’s still fuck all worth watching on Channel 5.’
Meanwhile, leading TV companies such as Sony and Toshiba have taken the concerns of the ethereal realm on board with the release of a 50 inch phantom-friendly “Ecto-Plasma” screen whose porous membrane creates the perfect ‘living’ environment for those troubled souls refusing to move towards the light. Martina Cressington , 44, of Solihull insists her poltergeist is right at home with the new technology.
‘Many a time I’ve been woken by a repeated knocking sound and have come downstairs to find a strange DVD in the machine and what I can only assume to be ectoplasm all over the screen’ she explained. ‘Neither I nor my extraordinarily shy acne-ridden fourteen year-old son are able to offer up any rational explanation.’
25th February 2012