NewsBiscuit

The police horse loaned to Rebekah Brooks definitely committed suicide, according to the Sun newspaper. Ex-Pc Dobbin was found in some woods near his field, where he had deliberately drunk a bucket of warfarin and slashed his own fetlocks with a sugar lump.

Conspiracy theories are already swirling around the horse’s demise, which had exclusive access to the arse of an editor who worked for News International. Despite years of police training and a strong sense of smell, Pc Dobbin never once bit the hand that fed him.

‘Dobbin was under a lot of stress. We all knew they enjoyed a special relationship, they’d often hack the Commons together,’ revealed a stable boy who has subsequently died of natural causes. ‘But Dobbin knew it was wrong to ride roughshod over boundaries that were there for good reason. He only did it because she offered him a pony.’

Pc Dobbin grew increasingly uncomfortable with the way Brooks was grooming him, and was worried about her obsession with smearing anyone he met with horseshit. ‘He felt dirty and wanted to give a full confession at a stewards enquiry,’ claimed the boy who had often shorn horses. ‘You know, tell it straight from the horse’s mouth.’

Sadly, Dobbin never had his day in the spotlight, stamping once for yes and twice to confirm that he’d had carrots delivered to a secret nosebag. ‘Dobbin seemed happy last time I saw him,’ explained his late stable hand. ‘He didn’t look like he was about to work out how to pick up a bucket, or sharpen a sugar lump.’

‘I suppose it’s possible he felt guilty enough to take his own life. The thing I don’t understand is how he signed a suicide note. Or how it was printed in the Times an hour before the body was discovered.’

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Posted: Feb 28th, 2012 by waylandsmithy