In an announcement this morning the Home Office has clarified that Rebekah Brooks was lent an entire police Force, and not a police Horse as originally reported. ‘Silly us, it wasn’t a horse at all,’ giggled Home Secretary Teresa May, who now has ultimate responsibility for ensuring that Police resources and particularly top officers are treated well when they get on a bit and are given a good home.
‘It isn’t uncommon for creaky old police resources to be loaned out to anyone who will look after them properly and has the means to do so,’ said Mrs May, ‘and with Mr Murdoch waving his chequebook in the background my predecessors and I could have had no concerns at all that editors of the News of the World would see the force go short of anything.’
She added that David Cameron had clarified that though Mrs Brooks had allowed him to take the Force for a spin once or twice, he certainly hasn’t done it since the election, which as anyone can see ‘was absolutely fine’.
The Home Office later confirmed that Tony Blair and Gordon Brown were also allowed to have ‘several goes’ on the police force between 1997 and 2010, when they used it for such things as running in circles around a Paddick, while occasionally having a gallop around obstacle courses made up of various sizes of Hinduja and the occasional Lord Levy.
Cameron’s ex press secretary Andy Coulson was especially fond of using the force, though he denied any impropriety. ‘This was a lovely old force that we loved spoiling, giving it lumps of sugar and occasionally enormous wads of cash,’ he said. ‘But towards the end it just didn’t seem like it wanted to carry on with its duties any more, which is why we reluctantly had to hand it back.’
When returned to the Home Office the force was found to be under-resourced, unmotivated and highly likely to die a slow death of shame. ‘Which is why we’re having it put down,’ said Mrs May, ‘and giving its old job to G4S.’