Every woman in Britain can now receive a free, independent evaluation of her body simply by sending The Daily Mail a photograph of herself wearing a bikini. The body appraisal service, which has previously been limited to celebrities, will be made available to every woman so long as she agrees to have her picture published alongside a list of ‘constructive criticisms’.
‘We offer this service as a gift to womankind,’ explained Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre. ‘In our age of political-correctness-gone-mad, most men are too frightened to tell a woman if her bottom looks too big. But if you send us a picture of your bottom we will be more than happy to tell you it’s a national disgrace for which you should be thoroughly ashamed.’
Body appraisals will be conducted by the Daily Mail’s team of ‘experts’ who have years of experience scrutinising women in bikinis and identifying any imperfections.
‘If there is even the tiniest sign of cellulite our panel will spot it,’ said Dacre. ‘We will tell women how good they look for their age, point out their bingo wings, highlight their muffin-tops and tell them if they should ever be allowed out in polite society again. We promise to give women the truth about their bodies. That is what a free press is all about.’
The new service has received universal praise from all women. ‘The Daily Mail has provided an invaluable service,’ said feminist author Germaine Greer. ‘At long last women can finally get an honest answer to the question: ‘Does my bum look big in this?’
The Daily Mail has rejected claims that their constant focus on women’s body shape might be in any way psychologically damaging. ‘We certainly don’t want to encourage any eating disorders,’ insisted Dacre, ‘but if you do happen to suffer from one then please send us a photo.’