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Tom Atkinson, 8, ‘failing to prepare adequately’ for summer 2012 Egg & Spoon race

Young Tom Atkinson, one of this summer’s best prospects for a gold ribbon at a leading Horwich primary school’s Sports Day, has been slammed by coach and father Alan, 38, for lacking focus and allowing distractions to come between him and the coveted first prize slot.

The St John’s Infants poster boy has defended himself against accusations that he is putting media interests ahead of his prospects for gold, insisting he watches far fewer episodes of Scooby Doo compared to a normal eight year-old and that he has long since outgrown the tiresome antics of Charlie and Lola. The youngster has insisted he will give it 110 per cent this summer despite being told by maths teacher Mr Houghton that it’s either a 100 per cent or less and anything else makes you sound like a twat.

Also under scrutiny is the boy’s insistence on using free-range eggs after he stumbled across one of his elder sister Julie’s Coldplay albums and mistakenly listened to part of one of the tracks. Tom, who insists he is eight and three quarters, has however received some welcome support from the head of the British Egg & Spoon Association, Alexei Evangulov, who praised the youngster’s principled stand and contrasted his eco-friendly approach with that of his rivals in Class 3B, led by Mrs Peacock, who train with eggs from sinister battery hens.

‘Egg and spoon, family and ‘The Planet’ have always been the priority for Tom,’ said Evangulov. ‘And by that I mean eggs hatched from chickens who have been allowed to roam freely. But last night Tom’s father Alan claimed that his son’s methods, while admirable, were extraordinarily naive and that he faces humiliation this summer if he refuses to admit that ‘Dad knows best’ and tone down his commitment to compassionate farming.

Mr Atkinson said, ‘Class 3B are using hard-boiled eggs from irate bastard hens with claws the size of Dallas. Because of their density, these adhere more closely to the surface of the spoon allowing the carrier to optimise frontal-stareage. Fewer egg glances per minute means enhanced forwards propagation, regardless of conditions down on the track. Then there is the issue of breakage. By using uncooked eggs from Sainsbury’s ‘Taste The Difference’ range my Tommy is not only spunking resources up a wall, he’s costing me a bloody fortune.’

‘Our Tom knows there is a huge amount at stake here’, Mr Atkinson admitted yesterday. ‘ Especially as Melissa Such of 5H has only this morning agreed to show her fanny to the winner ‘

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Posted: Mar 17th, 2012 by Gary Stanton

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