With concern for Fabrice Muamba’s welfare subsiding, the police have formally announced that the search is already underway for those who must have prayed that he suddenly collapse with a heart condition in order for it to happen in the first place.
‘Now that the prayers of the nation have done their job in assisting the hospital’s otherwise ineffective doctors, nurses, paramedics and sophisticated intensive care apparatus, it’s time to turn our attention to catching those who prayed for Muamba’s near-fatal collapse.’ said Detective Inspector Simon Rogers, heading up the investigation.
‘Our specialist Inquisition Unit,’ he continued, ‘will have three crackpot squadrons, praying around the clock, in good faith that the perpetrators shall be revealed unto us; preferably in the form of incriminating photographs, witness statements and useful things pinned to a big map.’
‘Failing that, if a few post-rationalised assumptions based on the psychotic and incoherent mumblings of one of our officers claiming to be in contact with Holy Ghost is all we have to go on, that’ll do as well’ he added.
He was also keen to point out the role that the public can play in assisting the investigation. ‘We’ve already started organising prayer meetings at all football games, and when I say organising’, I do of course mean ‘praying that a series of prayer meetings at all football games will somehow spontaneously self-organise’.’
However, Rogers admits that enlisting the help of the public is, at times, an unreliable strategy that can occasionally cloud the good work of his officers. ‘Yesterday was a particularly slow day; something we can only attribute to reports of a rogue Charlton stand praying that their team get the win against Yeovil in a bid to secure promotion into the Championship instead.’
‘Things like this can be confusing for an unlimited omniscient intelligence and rest assured we’ll be cracking down on any unauthorised prayers by ensuring the fans of any team judged to be doing suspiciously well are thoroughly drowned.’
Complications aside though, Rogers is unwavering in his belief that his team’s prayers will be answered. ‘Just so long as we pray really hard enough, with our hands clasped really really tight, we’re confident we’ll convince God to help us capture the people who convinced Him to try and kill an innocent man, only for us to convince him to please not do that but to instead save him from the results of the actions he was initially convinced to do.’
He’s also drawn confidence in his approach thanks to support from Muamba’s fellow professionals, although John Terry and Luis Suarez have both refused to confirm what their recent prayers have been for.
Qoxiivi (hat-tip to Oxbridge)