An arab businessman, Mr Abu Dhabi, had a sumptuous dinner at Number 10 Downing Street before being offered a cut price deal on shares in the Royal Bank of Scotland, it has emerged. A furious Downing Street responded the there was no suggestion whatsoever of any impropriety, nor that Mr Abu Dhabi was seeking to gain influence over Britain’s small businesses, mortgage payers and current account holders simply by waving lots of money around.
‘He rather liked the starter,’ enthused a nervous George Osborne who attended in person, ‘and even though he wasn’t too keen on the main or even the cheese, he still belched heartily to convey appreciation of the meal at the end. Even so, we still weren’t convinced about his sincerity or that he didn’t have some sort of agenda, but then he started spewing up buckets and buckets and buckets of cash, and we knew instantly that he was the man to take this bank forward and get it off our hands.’
‘It was like a torrent,’ confirmed business secretary Vince Cable who was locked in a broom cupboard at the time and witnessed the whole thing through the keyhole, ‘Wave after wave of £50 notes showered down, some of it landing in the beans on toast lovingly prepared by Samantha Cameron in between breast feeds, but most of it fell into the chancellor’s lap. He seemed disgusted at first but then that sly little grin of his took over and he started promising all sorts of things in return, like…’ at which point Mr Cable was forcibly restrained by several members of cabinet and locked back in the cupboard.
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch was said to be watching developments carefully and would be promoting a balanced view of events by putting anything remotely dodgy up in huge headlines on each of the influential fleet of newspapers he bought from Mrs Thatcher.
An aide to Prime Minister David Cameron said; ‘We have no qualms about the appropriateness of anything here and the deal will be good for the country. By pure coincidence, Mr Abu Dhabi has substantial experience in this field as he also happens to own Barclays, which, if the bonuses are anything to go by, is doing extremely well.’
Mr Cameron was unavailable for comment as cartoonists hadn’t yet finished depicting him in hiding at the bottom of the Mariana trench.