Man who developed superpowers ‘not really the crime-fighting type’
A 27-year-old nuclear physicist who unexpectedly developed superpowers after receiving a massive dose of radiation in a laboratory accident has attracted widespread criticism after refusing to use his powers to fight crime and right wrongs, preferring instead just to ‘play it safe’ and ‘stay in and chill’.
‘The doctors expected me to die, but when I came round I discovered I’d been gifted with incredible superpowers,’ said John Speedman from his secret lair in his mum’s house in Edinburgh. ‘It was like something out of a comic book - except I can’t wear lycra, I’m allergic. It brings me out in itchy blotches, so I tend to stick to corduroys.’
Having been given such a small chance of surviving, Speedman has vowed not to take any unnecessary risks by using his powers if he can possibly avoid it. ‘I’m extremely grateful to the medical team, and I’m not going to throw away all their good work by needlessly seeking out dangerous criminals. I might be lightning-fast, enormously strong and pretty much invincible, but why risk it? I don’t need the hassle to be honest.’
So far the public has only had one small glimpse of Speedman’s massive array of awesome powers. When he turned invisible during an armed raid on his local post office, the cashier hoped that he would slip out, change into his superhero costume and save the day. But instead Speedman used his invisibility to steal into the stockroom where he cowered for nearly three hours, before sneaking out with a handful of stolen KitKats and some hay-fever tablets.
David Strang, Chief Constable of Lothian and Borders Police, has been unimpressed with Speedman’s use of his powers. ‘The very least we would expect in this situation is for Mr Speedman to become something of a recluse while secretly waging a one-man war on the city’s criminals. Instead he works hard at a job that many people would consider quite boring and always goes to bed early. Not once has he been seen hanging around on rooftops seeking opportunities to wreak vengeance and dispense justice. It’s almost as if he goes out of his way to avoid convoluted plots to endanger him. What kind of a role model is that for kids?’
Click to send this story to a friend
Posted: Apr 3rd, 2012 by waylandsmithy and Vertically Challenged Giant
Click for more stories about: Lifestyle
Loading...