State Governor Pontious Pilate has announced bold plans to transform the Judean Crucifixion Service. By transferring Centurion staff into a new private-public partnership with Serco/G4S he claims wage costs will be slashed whilst maintaining the skilled workforce and high levels of customer service the Centurions are renowned for. Plans include the use of controversial “Crucifixion asssitants” to undertake the lesser skilled support jobs, such as guarding the dying prisoner, currently undertaken by fully qualified Centurions.
‘In these straitened times we need to rethink what the Crucifixion Service stands for. Delivering a consistent death outcome remains our priority but we need to deliver this at less cost to the public purse?’
Speaking from Rome, Emperor Tiberius added: ‘this is a unique opportunity to rethink the way core state services are provided. By using the private sector we can release cashable savings to reinvest in badly needed regional infrastructure. I’m pleased to announce that by 122 we intend to build a very big wall marking the northern extent of empire, bring much needed construction jobs to that benighted region.’