The United Nations have announced the appointment of Jeremy Kyle to take up the newly created position of President of the Resolution of International Conflicts (PRIC). The move, sponsored by FoxyBingo.com, sees the smug presenter build on the success of his ITV show, and may also help bring a whole new ‘daytime’ audience to the tiring ‘war and tyranny’ format.
‘The first series will see me take on some of the world’s biggest conflicts’ Mr Kyle, 46, explained in a Heat magazine interview. ‘Robert Mugabe will discuss his human rights abuses, Kim Jong-Un will talk about his nuclear ambitions, and Nicolas Sarkozy will try to overcome his short-man syndrome, all in front of an unemployed, blood thirsty studio audience.’
The programme will also include features that are the staple of the regular chat show. Syrian president, Bashir Hafez al-Assad, will be the first world leader to face the lie detector. He will be asked ‘if he has told his troops to continue fighting despite the ceasefire’, ‘if he ordered the murder of thousands of civilians’ and ‘if has ever had sexual contact with any other world leader’.
‘Some may see the last question as irrelevant’, Mr Kyle told the reporter, ‘but we need to discover why China and Russia don’t want to upset him.’
India and Pakistan have also agreed to appear. For many years they have tried to use their armies to sort out the custody arrangements of Kashmir, but Mr Kyle and the rest of the production team believe that after a ‘brief nuclear moment’ on stage, their differences can be resolved by the aftercare team.
One of the more controversial shows will see the Israelis and Palestinians come together in front of a television audience and decide once and for all who ‘owns’ the West Bank with a DNA test. Jordan have asked to come and help with the debate but it has been decided the ‘average’ Jeremy Kyle watcher would be disappointed not to see Katie Price.