Bono launches charity for men who ‘can’t urinate while someone is next to them’
Pop philanthropist Bono has finally found a new cause to back, with no room for people to accuse him of hypocrisy. Drawing on his own reluctance to tinkle the ivory when there’s anyone within earshot, U2′s frontman has launched the ‘Number One Foundation’.
After facing a backlash for taking the piss with charity expenses, and another backlash for launching a campaign against tax avoidance by rich people such as himself, Bono has been so keen to get the public off his back, he’s even considered ‘splashing out’ on an ethical accountant.
Fortunately for the UK’s favourite pop gypsy, things haven’t got that bad just yet. Instead, he’s launched a campaign that affects him ‘as much as the next man’, especially if the urinals are too close together.
‘This is an issue that affects men right across the world’, announced Bono. ‘And it’s an issue that won’t go away just because you pretend he’s not there.’ To highlight this burning issue, Bono is setting up a string of charity gigs which will be streamed globally, as long as no-one is looking.
Performing to arenas in the Seychelles, Andorra and Switzerland for no particular reason, Bono is urging men ‘to just go’, in both senses of the phrase. ‘If we all stand together, it probably won’t help much’, he declared. ‘But please, put your hands in your pockets and squeeze out anything you can spare.’
Bono believes the problem can be addressed by throwing money at it, so that those with a bashful bladder no longer have to hide shame-faced in the stalls. ‘Just £30 can buy a pair of ‘shame shades’, to protect the sufferer from public scrutiny. I wear mine when I’m filling in my tax returns.’
It’s perhaps the last taboo of manhood, but his fellow band members are sympathetic. ‘It’s hard to believe, but handsome rock gods can suffer from ‘stage fright’ too’, admitted Bono. ‘The pressure to perform can lead to feelings of desperation. Especially if you’re standing too close to The Edge.’
Hat-tip to Perks, Rickwestwell, Midfield Diamond and Simonjmr
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Posted: Apr 13th, 2012 by waylandsmithy
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