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Your handy guide to the horses that might get shot at this year’s Grand National

With the countdown underway to Saturday’s Grand National, our pundit considers the form for Britain’s favourite waste of horses.

Heardthekneepopinbootle: 12-1. Much fancied last year, has let herself go a bit since then. Horse-shaped and massive, no idea what the little chap in pyjamas really sees in her.

Gorgeous George: 250-1. Claims to be an experienced steeplechaser who cares deeply about the Altrincham course but many are yet to be convinced. High price suggests punters not as gullible as voters.

twelvebore: 4-3F. Part of horse-racing royalty, the double-barrelled name is a clue to how well she’ll do once she lands awkwardly the second time round.

Can’tIjusthobble?: £4-50/lb. Disappointed in Hamlet but stands a chance here, because it’s a horse.

Mylittlepony: From £19.99. Smaller than most of the other horses and no experience at this or any other level. Price has been driven down by the backing of many young girls whose parents shouldn’t really be encouraging them to gamble.

Frenchpeasant’sdelight: All the 5s. Well loved over the channel, with new potatoes and a bottle of plonk. Whipping keeps them tender, tastes just like beef.

Derek: Ch4-10pm. Ran well in the office handicap, later disqualified for not being handicapped enough. Still loveable, although could be shot in the car park, if the going gets heavy.

Thatlovelymichaelbublé: 36 going on 80. The grannies’ favourite. Remembers rationing. Brittle bones, so could soon be backing stamps and envelope flaps.

Whatswrongwithyouyoumorons: £1.20/litre: Still some doubts about this one, recently underwent an operation to remove two horns and some udders. Saddle appears to be drawn on. Could be a cow.

Bigstringattempt: A4. This child’s attempt at a horse may be made of string and rigatoni but, with six legs, it’s got to be in with a shout.

Carroll: 35 Million to sod-all in one season. Once considered international class but now recognised as heavily handicapped with a lack of pace and any ability whatsoever, more of a donkey with a pony tail than a thoroughbred, not much value in this nag any more.

Pullme-pushyou: 360:355. Similar to Dr. Doolittle’s nag but with 4 legs and 2 arseholes. Could move at speed if it knew where it was going. Was worth an each way vote last time out.

Coalition at 50:1 Good starter but fades when the going is heavy.

Gluefactory: A 10-1 shot that always shows up well on heavy ground.

Firstclassstamp: Heavily backed in early betting, this could be the last year we see on the course.

EwanMcGregor: One time favourtie, handicapped by going the wrong way round.

Brick Beauty: DM, 40, GSOH. Well fancied by itself, punters not so keen. Fell awkwardly recently after shooting itself in the foot. Riding with blinkers.

Waylandsmithy and VCG, with lines from Qoxiivi, Midfield Diamond, Runestone Cowboy, Scronnyglonkle, beau-jolly, Mandy Lifeboats, Sinnick

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Posted: Apr 13th, 2012 by Vertically Challenged Giant

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