Buckingham Palace has announced that the Queen will no longer be sending the traditional birthday greetings to those who reach their hundredth birthday, due to the Royal Mail’s planned rise in stamp prices.
A statement issued by the Palace expressed the Queen’s ‘firm opinions’ on the matter. ‘Her Majesty has expressed her view that 60p for a first class stamp is a bloody outrage; one must be joking,’ it said. ‘One ought to get the damn things for free give that they’ve got one’s bloody face on the front. Cheeky bastards.’
Senior Royals are said to favour e-cards as a modern, cheaper alternative. Proposed designs include animated dancing elves with the faces of Prince Philip, the Duchess of Cornwall and the Prince of Wales, although Royal observers say it is ‘almost inevitable’ that the Queen will instead plump for hilarious pictures of adorable corgis with witty captions underneath such as “Lol! I haz pooped in ur slipperz!”