The beleaguered Home Secretary, Theresa May, today admitted the desperate lengths to which the Government has gone in its ongoing battle to deport Abu Qatada.
‘Obviously, we started out with standard judicial proceedings,’ explained a clearly-exasperated May, ‘but once it became obvious that he wasn’t going to budge, we had no choice but to explore some more experimental solutions.’
‘Our first approach was to get a member of the Home Office staff to follow him around with a big wallpaper scraper and have a go with that. After a while, though, he just started putting Wrigley’s on his shoes and that eventually gummed the whole operation up.’
‘Next we tried Cillit Bang after some adverts seemed to suggest he’d be ‘lifted right out and dissolved’ in front of our eyes. That didn’t worth either though, although he did come up lovely.’
‘Truth be told,’ she continued, ‘we just don’t know what to do next. If the European Court of Human Rights upholds his latest appeal we may just have to lob a nice throw over him and leave it at that. Plus, that way there’s always the chance he’ll be mistaken for a female ‘out in public without a chaperone’ and stoned to death by his own supporters.’