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Vampire slayer banned from wearing cross to work

also told to make sure his shoelaces were properly tiedVampire hunter Dr Abraham Van Helsing is to take his employer to a tribunal after being banned from wearing a cross at work for fear of upsetting vampires.  Under the terms of the ban, vampire slayers are barred from displaying religious symbols in the workplace, but may carry two sticks which in the event of an unforeseen supernatural event can be fashioned into a rudimentary cruciform.

‘It’s political correctness gone mad,’ fumed Van Helsing, announcing the first of a series of walkouts by vampire hunters and the picketing of local graveyards.  ‘Without my cross all I can do is politely suggest that vampires keep their distance, and remind them not to bite without asking.  I can’t even carry garlic in case it brings on an allergic reaction, and I’m loaded down with sun block in case one of them gets caught outside at sunrise.’

This is only the latest blow to vampire hunters whose traditional methods are increasingly falling foul of political correctness and health and safety regulations.  ‘I’m a vampire slayer,’ said Van Helsing, ‘not some namby-pamby Afterlife Transition Manager.  I can’t even hammer a stake through someone’s heart these days without writing up some 12-page risk assessment in case they get a splinter in their finger.  As it is I spend 80% of my time at a desk filling in forms.  What more do these people want?  Blood?’

However, a spokesperson for the Vampire’s Union has defended ‘the right of the modern vampire to go about his daily blood-sucking without fear of religious intimidation or a foreign-accented old man waggling his icon about.’

A settlement appeared closer today, though, as Dr Van Helsing’s employer hinted at a compromise that would allow him to carry a cross provided he kept it out of sight at all times.  ‘Perhaps he could consider hiding it under a burqa,’ he suggested.

By Ian Searle (with thanks to Zadok, malgor, Iscariot and RichT)

3rd April 2010

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Posted: Apr 22nd, 2012 by Guest

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