Health experts warn poshness ‘could be hereditary’
Health experts have warned members of the public to be ‘on their guard’ for aristocratic parents and relatives, after discovering such symptoms dramatically increase the chances of contracting ‘poshness’.
Unlike many other debilitating conditions, poshness is still regarded as a disgusting illness in some circles, and those that suffer from it are openly abused and ridiculed. Pharmaceutical companies are a long way from finding an effective cure for the wasting disease, which can also affect the life expectancy of quails, grouse and foxes.
Superstitions about how poshness is spread are almost as old as the coats of arms that warn of an infestation. Historically, ‘poshers’ would be walled up in huge, turreted buildings and isolated by moats, only occasionally allowed out to marry their relatives, or invade them. Fortunately, those days are long behind us, and only a few such asylums remain.
Ignorance about the condition remains, though. In a survey, 32% of proles said that poshness could be caught from sitting the wrong way on the toilet, and a staggering 68% thought it affected footballers. Nothing could be further from the truth.
‘You can’t catch it from touching a ‘poshy’, no matter how fancy their handshake.’ explained etiquette pathologist Jemimah Parkhurst-Thripley. ‘But if you accidentally sleep with one of them, it could be passed to your children.’ With symptoms including cheeriness, a fascination with horses and very early onset male pattern baldness, Parkhurst-Thripley understands why the condition causes such widespread revulsion.
The revelation was greeted with scepticism in some quarters, particularly the Royal Family, where some younger princes are trying to breed poshness out. ‘There’s still a lot of research required, and we can’t pretend to know everything just yet,’ admitted Parkhurst-Thripley. ‘There’s even been two cases of people developing poshness independently.’
Parkhurst-Thripley thinks this late-onset poshness could be the most embarrassing form of the sickness. ‘Lord Sugar and Lord Prescott are still in denial, but most of their symptoms are fully developed. It’s only the accents that stop you noticing just how riddled with posh they are.’
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Posted: Apr 24th, 2012 by waylandsmithy
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