Under-fire Home Secretary, Theresa May, has told the House of Commons that, following their inability to deport Abu Qatada to Jordan, the Government has commenced proceedings to deport Timmy Mallett to France instead.
‘The public demands and deserves a good deportation, and as we don’t seem to be able to get rid of Qatada, we’re offering them Timmy Mallett instead, as a kind of consolation.’ explained May.
‘Ok, he’s not suspected of anything, apart from being a bit annoying, but I’m sure he hasn’t got lawyers as good as Qatada’s, so hopefully it’ll all go through a bit more smoothly.’
Despite expressing surprise at the announcement, Mallett is reportedly not that bothered owing to France being ‘utterly brilliant!’. That hasn’t stopped human rights campaigners slamming decision though, arguing that there’s a definite risk he could be tortured by the French.
However, it’s an objection that the Home Secretary dismissed. ‘President Sarkozy has assured me that they’ve never seen Wacaday or heard Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini so, as long as he keeps his shitty wacky specs and oversized sponge hammer to himself I’m sure he’ll be OK. If not then, well, he deserves to be tortured.’