‘Of all the candidates running for Mayor of London, in my view Boris was far and away the best choice to become President of a different country altogether,’ said Barry De Souza, a voter from Hackney. ‘I just felt a man of his talents needed a larger canvas than London on which to express himself, and I liked the idea of putting the Channel between us.’
Londoners were initially surprised to find an extra ballot sheet in their voting booths offering them the chance to nominate Boris as their candidate for the French presidency, but quickly warmed to the idea. ‘It’s a perfect combination really,’ said Sunita Kumar from Croydon. ‘I’ve always loved the idea of Boris being in a position of power, just not where I live. Plus I’ve never liked the French.’
After initial shock in France at Boris’s victory ahead of Sunday’s planned presidential run-off, political commentators expect him to prove a popular choice. ‘The socialists will go for his comedy value, the conservatives will welcome a President they can see from behind a podium, and the far-right will go crazy for his Aryan good looks,’ said the editor of Le Monde. ‘Plus he’ll connect with the French public. He has a relaxed attitude to the sanctity of marriage, he shrugs in that Gallic way during frequent episodes of confusion, and he’s already pencilled in as a guest presenter on the popular comedy panel show ‘Est-ce que j’ai des nouvelles pour vous’.’
Crowds thronged the streets of London to cheer as the former Mayor began his journey to Paris on a Boris bike modified for his new role by draping a string of onions over the handlebars, and he was immediately made to feel at home in Paris by disaffected voters rioting in the streets.
However, at his first press conference there were fears Boris may have already put his foot in it with the French. ‘Not only will we make this country proud again,’ he announced, ‘but we will deliver a great 2012 Olympics. Ah, hang on, no you didn’t get them, did you. Blast.’