London Olympic security received another boost today with the announcement that major sewers interconnecting with the east-London venue would be protected by teams of Royal Navy officers armed with depth charges.
‘We have the ground and air defences pretty much covered,’ Rear Admiral Maurice Battenburg announced today, ‘but there is still the small but measurable risk of a one-man suicide submarine traversing London’s Victorian-era sewers, arriving under the Olympic village and launching cruise missiles through an uncovered toilet.’
Locals have claimed that the risk of messy blowback in residential areas is too great to contemplate, and have countered that ‘standard security procedures’, such as keeping toilet seats down, should be enough to protect the games. But defence experts have admitted that with the large numbers of men attending the event, it is unrealistic to assume that will be the case.
The announcement follows on from last month’s news that a 1:72 scale replica of HMS Ocean would be permanently moored in the main Olympic Aquatics centre pool as part of a major security initiative run jointly by the Royal Navy and Airfix.