The UK Border Agency (UKBA) has given assurances that it is ‘completely ready’ to deal with the influx of foreigners during the Olympics, as long as illegal immigrants agree not to wear sports kit over the summer.
‘We have in place a very robust identity verification system at the UK border,’ said Agency chief operating officer David Wood. ‘But during the Olympics this system could become confused if ordinary illegal immigrants were to wear sports clothing, since we might think they were Olympic athletes and wave them through. And by ‘wave them through’ I mean make them queue for up to eight hours at Heathrow.’
UKBA has issued an official ‘polite request’ to illegal immigrants to address the problem. ‘During the Olympic Games, we understand that very many foreigners will be wearing short trousers, t-shirts and in some cases lycra,’ the warning says. ‘Since we will be letting these athletes into the country with no questions asked and sending them off to have two weeks of unbridled sex in the Olympic village, we do ask that if you are here illegally you wouldn’t mind awfully not wearing those sorts of clothes in case we fail to apprehend you in Customs and let you in instead.’
The agency has recommended an array of alternative outfits that it advises illegal immigrants to wear. ‘These include grubby jackets that smell of axle grease, those sort of long Arab kaftans that cover you up completely, jilbabs, niqabs, hijabs, and prosthetic hooks where your hand ought to be.’ Any of these options will make identification and processing much quicker, reducing deportation times to as little as 28 to 36 months, the agency said.
Home Secretary Theresa May was unavailable for comment, having turned up for interview yesterday after a diary muddle.