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Chairman of the Google Earth Residents’ Association, Jerome Hanley, has finally taken action against a nuisance neighbour. Poorly maintained, scruffy and with several bits missing, the state of the Norwegian coastline has caused nothing but embarrassment to its Scandinavian neighbours.

‘When people come to Google Earth, they expect certain standards,’ explained Hanley, ‘even at maximum zoom.’ It is claimed that the eyesore can be seen from space, despite Google’s attempts to obscure it, using ‘Cloud’ technology.

However, critics of the association have complained that Google has overstepped the mark. ‘Just because you’ve got a picture of something, doesn’t mean you own it,’ complained Gustav Heinkel, Mayor of the Austrian town called ‘Fücking’. His entire postcode has been pixelated by Google after he refused to respond to a rectification notice, calling for the ‘graffiti’ to be painted over or adapted with a huge, asterisk-shaped bandstand.

Hanley has hit back at his critics by pointing out that Google Earth can be a great place to live, as long as everbody plays by their rules. ‘If you don’t like it, you could always try moving somewhere outside our parish,’ he suggested. ‘Perhaps a cupboard, or deep under ground.’ And while Hanley admits it’s difficult to stop all the mailing lists, round-robins and busy-bodies going through your bins, he maintains that total world domination is a small price to pay for free email, and some ‘really cool apps’.

Norway has three weeks to respond to the notice. ‘After that, we’re going to laser the ugly bits off from space,’ announced Hanley. The UN is fairly sure such an assault on a nation’s borders would be an act of war, but they couldn’t find anything to back up the theory when they performed a quick web search of international law.

With the Himalayan watershed now forcibly re-felted and the Great Wall of China facing sanctions for its lack of hanging baskets, Google is stamping its authority on the ‘global village’ with a fanatical zeal. ‘If we all pull together, we could make this a much better place,’ announced Hanley. ‘I suggest we all celebrate, with a big pack of cookies.’

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Posted: May 6th, 2012 by waylandsmithy