Claims in a recent book that pop star Jessie J is ‘100% lesbian’ have been strongly countered by researchers in the field of erotic mathematics.
‘This 100% figure is decidedly inaccurate,’ said Professor Edward Simpson of the Institute of Sensual Calculus. ‘In the past two years I have made an intensive study of Jessie’s recordings and interviews, and have also applied what I call the HQ,or Hotness Quotient, to her videos. This has helped me to arrive at a much more precise figure for Jessie’s lesbianism of 93.759%.’
However, Professor Simpson’s figure has itself been questioned by some of his fellow academics. Writing in the Journal of Applied Mental Onanism, Dr Muriel Spengler of the Society of Sexual Statisticians observed: ‘In Britain only 1 in 27 women is named Jessie. Of these, my research indicates that just 1 in 55 is 100% lesbian. It therefore follows that Jessie J, at best, is 17.5% lesbian.’
Meanwhile in ‘A Comparative Study of Madonna, Gaga and Jessie J’, due for publication next month in Proceedings of the Association for Algebraic Arousal, Professor Richard Hancock comments: ‘J = (a – b x z), where Lady Gaga is a and z represents the London grime scene.’
Asked what bearing this had on the singer’s sexuality, Prof Hancock confessed he had no idea, adding, ‘But the figures don’t lie’.