Incoming French President, Francois Hollande, has pledged to take a secret young mistress within days of gaining power. Speaking as he made his way to ‘Bubbles Spa and Jacuzzi’ on the Champs Elysees he said: “the people of the 5th French Republic demand nothing less than decisive sexual action from its Presidents. By signalling my resolve to impregnate a young french mistress at the earliest opportunity the French people can be assured that I take this high office as seriously as my predecessors. While the future of Europe hangs in the balance, France can rest easy knowing their leader is banging away in a cheap hotel ‘comme un Premier League Footballeur’. Now, if you forgive me, I must take to the water, it is the hour. Or, as we say in France: ‘A l’eau, c’est l’heure’.