Technology giant Google has unveiled the world’s first fully driverless government at a glitzy press conference at a factory in Essex.
‘We have completed a two-year pilot of the new driverless government, which has been running Britain with surprising success the whole time,’ said the project spokesman Nick Clegg. ‘This incredible new way of governing relies on absolutely no leadership whatsoever, meaning it’s just perfect for drivers who can’t be bothered or, as in my case, can’t remember which direction we said we were going in before.’
Senior designer David Cameron backed up his timid colleague’s outlandish claims. ‘I have been sitting inactively at the helm of this incredible driverless vehicle for two years now, and it really does need minimal supervision as far as I can tell.’ Cameron described how the new device appears to steer itself, although it does rely heavily on servo-mechanisms, extensive CCTV technology, and a team of Cabinet ministers veering about all over the place to avoid dangerous obstacles. ‘But the point is one doesn’t feel like one is doing any work at all,’ he said. ‘So in that sense it’s just like being back at Eton, what what.’
The new vehicle is the most successful in a line of mock-up governments tested by Google over the years. An earlier prototype, available only in grey, performed with limited success between 1990 and 1997, when it accidentally imploded in a ball of sleaze just as it reached full throttle. And a second three-year trial in Brown achieved significant speeds early on but eventually just drove itself into the ground and achieved disastrous fuel economy ratings.
‘Let us be absolutely clear about this, it is the way of the future,’ said Clegg. ‘At least until May 2015, when this prototype version will probably just junk itself and we’ll all try to forget we ever thought it could work.’