Rebekah Brooks’s appearance before the Leveson Inquiry has been delayed to allow the inquiry team to recruit an official Parseltongue translator.
The surprise move was announced by a frustrated Lord Leveson after just ten minutes of Brooks’s hissing, sinister testimony this morning. ‘We can’t go on like this any longer,’ Lord Leveson declared. ‘I only asked her to confirm her name and position, and her eyes immediately rolled back into her head and she started whispering ‘Si a-hashii’eth’ over and over.’
Brooks’s gave evidence at her first appearance in English, but her grasp of the language was found to be so limited that there turned out to be dozens of inconsistencies in the testimony. ‘There’s clearly only one explanation for these gaping inaccuracies, which is that she was not allowed to speak in her native tongue, the language of the snakes,’ said a spokesman for the inquiry team. ‘Being pure evil is of course a protected characteristic under the Equality Act 2010, so we are bringing in a Parseltongue translator so that we can comprehend her horrifying, soul-churning utterances without prejudice.’
Lord Leveson has allowed a 24 hour delay for the Ministry of Justice to find an official Parseltongue interpreter from overseas since there are no remaining UK speakers of the language, and a further seven days for the appointee to make it through queues at Heathrow.