The range of exploding underwear, a mixture of Semtex and wearable microfibres, promises to lift and separate martyrs like never before. ‘With these pants your buttocks will end up in different post codes,’ says one designer who worked on the new range, ‘and you’ll be lifted into paradise in no time.’
With 72 virgins all clamouring for a piece of them, martyrs are going to have to divide themselves carefully between these demanding spinsters. And these are just the pants to do the job. Every spinster is guaranteed to have a piece of her hero. With a Semtex gusset that’s waterproof and comfortable right up to the moment of detonation, martyrs will arrive at paradise in the right frame of mind.
New advances in microfibre mean the martyr’s bomb won’t look big either – which is increasingly important to today’s generation of metrosexual martyrs, who are sometimes even more fashion conscious than their women. ‘While women tend to wear a burqua for all occasions, male martyrs have much more complex fashion decisions to make. But these new versatile exploding pants could be a god send. They’ll hold everything in until the moment of explosion.’