NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

Mr. Muscle banned from competing at London Olympics

The British Olympic Association say they have banned a leading bathroom and toilet cleanser from competing at the London 2012 Olympics after the cleaning fluid failed a random drugs test.

Mr.Muscle, a limescale remover from Camberley in Surrey insists he is innocent of any wrong doing and the BOA findings are ‘totally wrong’ and that he will ‘do whatever it takes to prove he is clean’.  The cleaning agent, who can also remove soap scum and built-up grime from around your taps, tested positive to a banned substance following an unexpected victory over world class opposition at a Grand Prix gala event in Solihull

Other cleaning agents competing at the games say they had been concerned for months about Muscle’s dazzling performances during the qualifiers ‘we had our suspicions’ said an air freshener from the Belgrave Harriers club in London; ‘one minute he was cleaning S bends for the local council in Camberley and the next he’s flushing out pubic hairs from a bidet down at the Olympic village. Every one of the detergents competing here at the games can remove even the most stubborn and greasy of stains, leaving your bathroom with that early morning zingy freshness but Muscle has taken it to another level’.

Opponents say there is no way Muscle could have shaved 4.78 seconds off his personal best for cleaning an Olympic sized shower screen without the aid of some performance enhancing chemical. But Muscle hit back, saying that despite the negative publicity surrounding his performances, the public were still on his side. In a recent survey carried out by sponsors S.C. Johnson & Son figures showed that 8 out of 10 housewives agreed that having tried Mr. Muscle they would never go back to their old detergent ever again.

Mr.Muscle insists his meteoric rise from jobbing toilet cleaner to world beater is purely down to the hard work he has put in on the training ground and thinks the banned substance may have inadvertently come from medication he was taking for a troublesome plughole.

‘Maybe I should have cleared the sodium hypochlorite with my doctor first but I can assure you that every detergent here in the Olympic village, from floor polish to toilet block – will be full of microbial pesticides and sulfonate. OK, so I might not be entirely chem-free going into these games, but then who is?
It’s clearly some sort of dirty tricks campaign. They’re just out to to smear my name’.

Mr.Muscle says he will contest the BOA decision but if the ban is upheld he could face up to 5 years on the sidelines. Only last month a Febreze fabric conditioner was sent home after a routine urine test showed high levels of Camomile in the waters and the annoying basket case from the Cillit Bang advert is still tripping out from some very bad acid he ingested years ago. ‘We will not tolerate drug cheats at the London Olympics’ said a BOA spokesman ‘we want 2012 to be the cleanest Olympics ever.

Nerys Hughes

Share this story...

Send to a Friend:





Click to send this story to a friend

Posted: May 14th, 2012 by Guest

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Click for more stories about: News In Brief