It was once numerous, with famous specimens such the Crosby, Sinatra or Davis Jr seemingly being found everywhere. However, time has seen a number of these elder Lounge Lizards die out, with natural habitats being destroyed and little focus on conservation, leaving their numbers dangerously low.
WWF Spokesman, Michael Evans explained, ‘It’s been a long slow decline and one we have tried to reverse where we can. We had some joy with the Spanish breed, the Iglesias Sr, but this blood line has come to a sad end with its offspring’s whining descent into dance music. We also attempted to establish an ambitious captive breeding programme, bringing in successful specimens from other species such as Brian Ferry and Rod Stewart. This met limited success, in particular with the Stewart, which seemed happy attempting to copulate with anything that had a pulse rather than Lounge Lizards.’
The Crooning Lounge Lizard is easy to spot. Its favoured territory is a small underground music venue on a Friday evening, somewhere near the piano. They usually have the tell tale undone bow tie and top shirt button and also stand out due to their distinctive mating call of ‘Well Hello!’ A small number of more modern specimens have managed to survive successfully, notably the Connick Jr and the Buble. The WWF have also noted the presence of the Cullum, though this is shorter than normal and has been categorised as a ‘Lounge Gecko.’
However, there has been one recent success story for the species. ‘We were delighted when we captured an aging example that we thought became extinct years ago when we came across the lesser spotted Humperdinck,’ explained Evans. ‘It had been hibernating for years but we managed to tempt it out with a small bottle of Krug and a free trip to the Eurovision Song Contest. Normally, if we want to catch one, we have to leave a fresh arrangement of an American Standard in 3-4 time lying around in a smoky bar.’
It turns out that the Crooning Lounge Lizards are partially response for their own demise, although climate change protestors have of course claimed that car drivers and Jeremy Clarkson are to blame. Evans concluded though, ‘We did tell them that their numbers were dwindling, but they didn’t seem to take this in. They might have listened if we had said – There may be trouble ahead.’