The Coalition Government has hailed the country’s first ever ‘whinge-farm’ a huge success. The first four whinge-generation turbines are currently being trialled just outside Tunbridge Wells in a former area of outstanding natural beauty, and intense outrage among the local community at their ‘loathsome presence’ has led to even better power generation than anyone could have dreamed of.
‘The very act of erecting these eye-sores and trampling on planning laws in the process, has meant that they currently generate 2 million kilowatt hours of disgust-based electricity every month.’ declared Energy Secretary Ed Davey, ‘– that’s ‘the strongest possible terms’ for a complaint-based plant of this size.’
He added; ‘To give you some idea: it’s enough electricity for one retired bank manager to fire off angry emails to the Telegraph continuously for the next 500,000 years. And that itself would generate a further 500,000 kwh – it’s a ‘whinge-whinge’ scenario.’
Further outrage-fuelled generation schemes are already being rolled out across Britain. Nick Clegg has agreed to place one on the roof of his constituency house in Sheffield, an act which is intended to be an affront to former coal miners right across South Yorkshire. Meanwhile compact turbines have been placed in every BBC Local Radio Station and local newspaper in the country – the devices have the nickname ‘The Yoyoy’ – spelled ‘why, oh, why, oh, why?’
Pensioners will receive a special subsidy if they agree to place a generator on the rear of their mini metros, although the car will need to be travelling at below 25mph on a single lane carriageway to operate at anything like its potential.
The success of the trials has generated huge interest overseas. However, an early implementation in India, utilising outrage that’s been freely produced by interaction with Bangalore-based call centres has been less encouraging, and the fact that the technology is now so compact that it can be worn by an individual doesn’t appear to help. ‘It wasn’t well received, to be honest with you.’ admitted call centre boss Sridhar Bhattacharya, following a lengthy pause and an offer to pass on our enquiry to another department. ‘Announcing that turbine-wearing was to be made compulsory has created a surprising amount of bad feeling. Ah well, at least that’s our quarterly heating and lighting bills sorted.’