Experts have warned that government proposals to introduce a minimum price per unit of alcohol could have a devastating effect on the UK’s tramp industry, leaving vagrants facing levels of sobriety not seen in decades.
The new legislation is aimed at tackling the culture of binge drinking, as well as easing the strain placed on the NHS by excessive alcohol consumption. But tramp fans claim that MPs are ‘ethanolically cleansing’ town centres, so that war memorials and shop doorways can be used for middle-class picnics.
With a typical family bottle of ASDA Smart Price vodka set to double in cost, some tramps are already recalling what they did last night, and wandering what the smell is. And while few were able to form a cohesive argument against a minimum unit price just a few days ago, their faltering liver function has still managed to make a handful more coherent than Vince Cable.
‘These proposals are a direct attack on our unique way of life. What is it with governments, and their obsession with taxing liquids?’ asked senior tramp Paul Headley. ‘You’ve seen the effect that increased petrol prices have had on haulage companies? Well this is the same thing to us, booze is our petrol. Well, petrol is our petrol too, but only when we can’t get hold of red diesel.’
Shouting from the rooftop of his soiled bottle bank in Wapping, Headley urged a passer-by to ‘spare some change pal? Oh that’s right, just keep walking, you MISERABLE BASTARD!’. Headley hopes to raise enough funds to support his bid to stand or at least lean against something for parliament, where he can bring attention to the plight of delusional individuals reliant on cheap booze and shouting.
‘It might be a long shot,’ admitted Headley, ‘but we all have our dreams, as well as our alcohol-fuelled day terrors. The voices tell me I’ll fit in really well, and if I get too coherent, I can always drink it off in one of the subsidised Westminster bars.’