The wait to see which players produce the most spittle, and who has the biggest average volume per gob, is almost over. A new software package, due to be launched in time for the European Championships next month, will gather data every time a footballer spits during the tournament.
‘Each day our specialists will analyse the speed, shape, volume and content of every gob,’ a Sky spokesman explained, ‘and all the best gobs will be shown throughout the night on Sky Sports News. Our pundits are drooling at the prospect.’
Arguments over who is the best overall spitter in the world are set to continue, however. Some believe those with a long record of consistent, successful spitting on a regular basis are the best. Others prefer flair spitters, those who illuminate the game with their imagination and creativity and flamboyant expectoration.
But Sky pundits expect performance to follow Darwinian principles with those players covering the most yards producing the greatest amount of spit. ‘We’re calling the contest ‘The Saliva of the Fittest’.’