As its share value continued to plummet towards zero in its first week of trading, social media giant Facebook has seen off a major revolt by thousands of furious shareholders by issuing a series of heartwarming and whimsical posts featuring kittens and other adorable internet memes.
Shares in the company were initially made available at $39 each last week. But they plummeted to barely $35 within hours of trading, as new shareholders logged onto Facebook for the first time. ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just a bunch of solipsistic ramblings and inane platitudes being ascribed to the Dalai Lama,’ bemoaned first-time investor Alex Joseph. ‘All for $39 a pop. Thank you very much Mark fuckin’ Zuckerberg.’
A number of disgruntled investors used their new online statuses to group together and launch a class action suit against the firm. They claimed that vital information was witheld from them, in particular the fact that Facebook was almost entirely composed of banal and self-absorbed posts by uninteresting people who might be valuable to advertisers but, by God, are unbelievably tedious.
However the, investors were headed off by a slew of light-hearted posts from the company’s newly-formed Investor Friendship Team. The posting began at 13.00 EST with a series of lolcat photos, including ‘I iz sitting on ur sharez in da kitty litta’ and ‘OOPS – can I haz ordinree savingz account next tyme?’
‘By the time they posted ‘Keep calm and carry on losing money hand-over-fist’ three hours later I was in stitches,’ confessed Mr Joseph. ‘I just knew we couldn’t go ahead with the action. Sure – I’ve lost a third of my pension plan, but … bless! And if by my insanely optimistic speculation I have helped even one more person discover Fenton the dog… well, it’s been a price well worth paying.’
Following the Facebook charm offensive, beleaguered shareholders have been entering into the same gently self-deprecating spirit themselves: ‘OMG, can’t believe I’ve pissed away half of my life savings on this bloated piece of trans-national control freakery,’ posted newly-retired head teacher Laura Stanley, adding: ‘Epic FAIL, lol!’ in a post currently liked by 14,434 people, including Mark fuckin’ Zuckerberg.