Coe, chair of the London Organising Committee of the 2012 Olympic Games (LOCOG), has warned the public about the danger of wilfully using a non-Olympic flag for the Olympics. ‘These flags we’ve seen everywhere for the Jubilee are sometimes home-made and usually completely devoid of sponsorship logos,’ he said. ‘LOCOG has noticed a depressing trend among the public who are increasingly turning away over-priced, gaudy shit.’ He warned that this attitude could undermine British athletes and drive away the support of the long-suffering Olympic partners such as BMW, Deloitte and Visa.
‘McDonalds aren’t sponsoring us for the good of their health, you know,’ Coe announced through a mouthful of nuggets. ‘Using an old, home-made flag to celebrate the reign of the Queen is one thing, but taking money away from corporate sponsors is another altogether.’
Coe believes no expense should be spared in educating the British public, so that only authorised and appropriate flags will be foisted in July with unwavering commitment. ‘With the Queen’s Jubilee and the London Olympics coinciding with an alarming surge in support for the far right, sporting a flag has never been more confusing,’ explained Coe. ‘How else are my anti-terror snipers supposed to tell the difference between a sports fan, and some thug wielding a hand-drawn flag that can only promote hate crime?’
Experts acknowledge that the nuances of flag-use can be confusing, and have welcomed attempts to cheapen the national emblem to the point where it can no longer be considered racist. ‘Subtle additions of logos do a great job of removing excessive pride from a flag,’ insisted Arthur Trumpton, professor of heraldry at Norfolk University. ‘In fact some have been disfigured so successfully, they actually trigger feelings of disgust.’
LOCOG are taking the matter seriously, and are encouraging people with leftover flags to burn them in the streets. ‘We urge the public: please pile up any un-Olympic flags you might come across, and set fire to them with one of our official torches,’ said a spokesman. ‘We’re sending one around the country at the moment for this purpose, although so far we’ve not had any takers as they can’t get past the ranks of shellsuit-wearing security officers.’
Trumpton has one last word of advice for inexperienced flag users. ‘It’s critical to make sure it’s hanging the right way up,’ he confirmed. ‘It’s easy to remember: the Coca-Cola logo should always go in the top left corner.’
Waylandsmithy and VCG, hat tip to Midfield Diamond