The Wikipedia Guide to HM the Queen


With the two Bank Holidays, street parties, and the BNP logo hanging everywhere, you may be wondering just who this Queen woman is. Luckily help is at hand and you can now be the Nicholas Witchell of your friends and family with this ‘Wikipedia Guide To…….The Queen’

The Queen was born 6th April 1969 and is a dance expert and choreographer, but despite being on television, Louis Spence is not the topic of our guide. Nor is it the rock group who’s lead guitarist is Anita Dobson. The Queen we are learning about today is the Queen of England, born 21st April 1826.

Her Royal Highness Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, or Liz as she is fondly known to her friends, was named after the luxury cruise liner the QEII but she was not actually born a Queen. She used to be a Princess until in nineteen fifty something when her father died.

Unlike some princesses she has never kissed a Frog, however she did marry a Greek. Many believe her Husband Prince Phillip has brought something different to our monarchy, mostly casual racism.

The word ‘Monarchy’ is one that is used when the President of a country is a King or Queen. Her time as Queen of England has been relatively unchallenged except for her son who has tried to assassinate her on three separate occasions.

The last recorded assassination attempt is believed to have involved Prince Charles hiding behind the sofa and shouting ‘BOO’ as she nodded off. Witnesses say she remained calm, opened one eye and said ‘fuck off Charles, I’m going nowhere.’

When she acceded to the throne, Queen Elizabeth II became the third Queen to be called Elizabeth. Queen Elizabeth I was the original and she was the child of Anne Boleyn and King Henry VIII. Tragically Elizabeth I never knew her mother as King Henry VII had her beheaded 2 years before she was born.

The Queen tends to keep a low profile, only being allowed to make public appearances for the state opening of Parliament, the state visits of human rights abusers, and royal weddings. On the subject of royal weddings, she was recently praised for her conduct during the wedding of Prince William and his commoner wife. Despite her smiles on the day, she was believed to be extremely pissed off with the possibility of the gene pool being extended outside of the family.

As well as being The Queen of England, she is also Queen of the Commonwealth. The Commonwealth is made up of countries invaded during bloody wars which saw millions of soldiers and innocent civilians killed, so we had a chance of some gold medals at our own version of the Olympic games.

Queen Elizabeth was keen on amateur dramatics as a girl. It is not widely known that she auditioned for the role of Hercule Poirot in ITVs long-running series, narrowly losing to David Suchet CBE in a head-to-head read through. It is rumoured that Suchet will gain no higher honour whilst Elizabeth remains on the throne.

There are so many other things that could be said about the woman who has ruled over us for the last 60 years, such as her being the head of the world’s biggest tea and cake consumer and fete organiser, the Church of England, or the fact that she has an ironic tattoo of Johnny Rotten on her left breast, but showing your friends that much knowledge would just be showing off.

Perks (hat tap to dvo4fun)

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Posted: Jun 5th, 2012 by

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