Physicists say they are close to understanding one of the greatest conundrums of recent decades: why unremarkable Suffolk songwriter Ed Sheeran has achieved massive commercial success. The breakthrough came after physicists in Cern accidentally accessed a parallel universe to our own where the singer is about to start a City and Guilds qualification in Portable Appliance Testing after a year out travelling around Canada.
The alternate dimension had initially appeared to be identical to our own. However, after further investigation it was discovered that in the alternate universe, the carrot-topped purveyor of winsome sixth form songsmithery was busking outside of W.H. Smiths in the Suffolk village of Woodbridge. His place at this week’s Jubilee concert was taken by a middle-aged man from Framlingham playing Mumford and Sons tunes on a Pennywhistle. The mad pensioner jiggling a hula hoop was, however, present at both versions of the concerts.
Quantum Physicists are speculating that ‘Sheeran’s Paradox’ could revolutionise understanding of our place in the multiverse: ‘Fundamental quantum theory and Heidenberg’s Uncertainty Principle suggest that each such discrete universe will throw up a few minor but inexplicable anomolies such as Fern Cotton, teenagers sporting beards to look ‘deep’ and Maroon 5′ explains Clive Silf, Professor of Theoretical Physics at Aberdeen University ‘They exist because, logically speaking they have to somewhere.’
Individuals tempted to migrate to the newly-discovered Sheeran-less existence are being discouraged by Cern’s physicists: ‘I should stress that the sub-atomic process necessary to transfer a sentient creature across the divide separating our realities is highly dangerous.’ cautioned Prof Philippe Dubois from the Institute. ‘Leaving physics to one side, I should add that we discovered that the so-called ‘Jubilee Concert’ in this reality was actually a inaugural concert for ‘President’ George Galloway. On reflection, we’re telling punters that it’s just not worth the risk.’