Prime minister David Cameron has today admitted to trying to leave the embattled culture secretary Jeremy Hunt behind in a pub, a railway station, two airports and a caravan. But despite his best efforts, on each occasion the prime minister has been regrettably reunited with the hapless minister.
‘I really thought I’d lost him for good this time,’ wept Cameron at a Downing Street press conference. ‘It’s a prime minister’s worst nightmare: one minute you’re sat enjoying a quiet drink with a compromised Cabinet colleague, and the next you’re making a dash for the doors as he heads off to the toilet, only for him to be returned to you safe and well minutes later. It was an unfortunate mix-up, but I’d just like to add that Jeremy Hunt has my full and unequivocal support.’
Cameron first came up with the idea of just leaving Hunt somewhere after noticing a warning poster in a station about the dangers of abandoned baggage. ‘There was a smart picture of a police officer, scowling and promising to blow it up,’ he explained. Thinking that a controlled explosion might be a good way of ditching the unacclaimed minister, Cameron bought him a loud, ticking pocket-watch, smeared his suit in dog food and left him near a bench in King’s Cross railway station.
‘The sniffer dogs found him quite quickly, and he was soon cordoned off,’ Cameron went on. ‘We were hoping that we might have seen the back of him. Unfortunately, the London station falls under News International’s police jurisdiction, and so instead of detonating Hunt, journalists just delivered him back to Downing Street with a complementary copy of The Sun.’
While Cameron may lack the resolve to actually sack the Culture Secretary, he remains hopeful that Hunt might simply disappear. ‘There’s always a chance he might lose his memory and find himself on a Russian trawler with a chip in his neck,’ conceded Cameron. ‘But just in case he is found, I’m putting up dozens of ‘unwanted’ posters.’