Launching the event at London’s Earls Court conference centre, South Virginia state representative John Ewart said: ‘The idea first came to me when we started hearing about your MPs’ expenses scandal. I was reading about people claiming things like train tickets and gardening costs and I thought, ‘Hell, no. They’re doing it all wrong!’’
Ewart’s event will teach UK politicians about the full suite of scandalous behaviour options available to them. ‘Over here, unless you get caught red-handed by the FBI selling stolen kidney dialysis machines from a children’s hospital to pay your crack dealer, you’re not even going to get on page 10 of a sleazy rural state newspaper. Hell, I got sent down for two years for helping myself to campaign donations in order to buy expensive gifts for my 22-year-old mistress while my wife was receiving chemotherapy. And I still got re-elected. Twice. Praise the Lord.’
Guest speakers at the event include Italian senator Massimo Cirino Biondi. ‘This year I built an extension on my house with Mafia kick-backs,’ Biondi said. ‘I got my brother-in-law’s building firm a contract to build a local school. They made the load-bearing walls out of papier-mâché and the place fell down after a week, but what do I care? My kids go to a private school.’
Neither Baroness Warsi nor Jeremy Hunt have confirmed whether they will attend any of the seminars. The Conservative co-chairman also declined to answer serious questions about how 150 packs of House of Commons-branded Post-It notes have appeared for sale on her eBay account.