UEFA has announced that for the knockout stages of Euro 2012 they will be utilising a variation on cricket’s Duckworth Lewis Method to ascertain the winners, in the case of a draw at full time or inclement weather.
‘It’s good news for everyone’ explained UEFA President Michel Platini ‘This will get nations full of barely numerate football fans debating ‘weighted averages’ and ‘least square regressions’; it’s all far more interesting than penalty shoot outs, no?’
Henri Fernandez, Head of Euro 2012, explained the new criteria for calculating a winner: ‘Basically, the modal number of yards wrongly gained in second-half throw-ins is totalled and multiplied by their notional compound divorce settlements with WAGS. This is then divided by the square root of accumulated gobbing distances and several hundred other factors.’
The FA has given a cautious welcome to the news, noting that the squad would be placed at an advantage, being generally responsible for consuming a greater proportion of ‘the pies’ than most of its mainland opponents. England players would also have some of the longest distances to go home in an ambulance, another factor which is to feature in the final calculations.