Legendary promoter, Don King, held a glitzy press conference in Las Vegas to announce Falklands War 2, with both British PM, David Cameron, and Argentinean President, Cristina Kirchner, in attendance. King said FW 2 would be a held in a neutral venue in the Nevada desert and would utilise the popular ‘fight to the death’ format.
‘It will be the war of the century’ proclaimed King. ‘Britain is undefeated in all wars since 1783, though of course that defeat was on American soil. And Argentina is led by a fiery lady, which was the deciding factor the last time this fixture was held.’
The press conference, timed to coincide with the G20 summit, then descended into the traditional trash talk as Kirchner slapped Cameron round the face with an envelope and he responded with ‘you’re going down bitch’. After being pulled apart by minders, Cameron clarified that the incident was ‘staged’ and that he was confident that Luxembourg would give the two countries a war licence if theirs were withdrawn as a result of the fracas.
As further details of FW 2 were released, critics voiced the view that the war was just a naked grab for cash by two nations well past their prime. ‘They are doing things on the cheap by restricting the armies to 120 soldiers a side’ said ESPN journalist Barry Black, ‘although to be fair that’s all Britain is going to have left by then. But they have sold the rights to Rupert Murdoch for billions, with the war being split into 12 one hour episodes for TV.’
Concerns of the military integrity of the war have grown after the announcement of Paul Gascoigne and Diego Maradona as generals of their respective countries. ‘Having these two fronting the war might be a marketer and drug tester’s dream’ said Daily Mail reporter, Doug Hoyle. ‘But things could quickly turn into World Wrestling Entertainment type farce if there is any repeat of the ‘hand of God’ intervention.’
Military purists agreed the Britain – Argentina match up might not live up to the hype, but that the Indian – Pakistan undercard looked to be a cracker.