The overlord of an organised criminal gang yesterday announced that due to poor corporate performance and discovery of some questionable business practices, he will be foregoing his annual bonus this year.
‘I now accept that some of our methods were borderline legal at best,’ said the unnamed chief executive of the extortion, money-lending and debt enforcement racket operating out of a front company in the City of London. ‘People sometimes complain that our industry isn’t regulated effectively, but there is a clear and established code among criminals about how we break the law. We’re not bankers, you know.’
The criminal network is accused of ‘systematic dishonesty’ by deceiving investors about its finances and manipulating the market through intimidation and bribery. ‘Ordinarily I would be proud to be the target of such accusations, but I think we accept that as an organisation we have underperformed and let people down. We have allowed a culture of immorality to develop among our henchmen, and as the head of the outfit I accept that the buck stops with me – once it’s been laundered.’
However, a former victim of the gang has surprisingly sprung to the defence of its beleaguered figurehead. ‘If I wish to retain the use of my legs and continue borrowing at the favourable daily rate of 67%, I am advised to remind you that in any corporation a leader should not be held responsible for the conduct of rogue junior staff who depart from the rules. Leave this guy alone, he’s a Diamond geezer.’