The London Olympics were hit by another scandal last night as the world’s fastest man, Usain Bolt, was found to have significant amounts of chromium in his blood after having ingested an entire Morris Oxford, Series VI.
Drug testing agency WADA made the discovery after being tipped off by Guildford pensioner Harold Winter, 68, who noticed a number of similarities between Bolt’s recent athletic record and the performance of his 46-year-old Oxford VI, known locally as ‘Betsy’.
‘I keep a close eye on my instruments – to check the fuel economy, like,’ said Winter. ‘And I noticed that when I leave my house, it takes around 9.58 seconds to go the 100 metres to the roundabout on the High Street – exactly the same time as Bolt’s world record. I then tried the full 200 metre circuit and, despite slowing up on the roundabout, I clocked in at 19.19 seconds, again the same as Bolt’s record.’
Despite the compelling evidence, WADA initially refused to take Winter’s concerns seriously. ‘So I watched some video clips of Bolt’s races and noticed on cold days, he was always a little slow to get into stride, just like the old girl is when I fire her up first thing on a frosty morning.’
But the clincher came when Winter checked ‘Betsy’ in for her regular six monthly service at Kevin’s Garage. ‘I went into the workshop and blimey what did I see but a heavily sedated Usain Bolt up on the hoist. Kev had already changed the oil, replaced the brake pads in Bolt’s feet, and installed new spark plugs in his thighs. He then cleaned out his ashtray, and buffed up his seat. Kev should’ve fixed Bolt’s frankly absurdly oversized exhaust pipe but he said he had strict instructions not to touch that area.’
With Winter’s photographic evidence in hand, WADA tracked Bolt down at a Woking car yard. ‘He was trying to eat a Toyota Crown sedan as a masking agent,’ said WADA chief David Howman. ‘Bolt realised the game was up and submitted to our tests. He said he was initially attracted to the Morris Oxford’s tail fins, but once he had eaten these he continued on even to the extent of eating the deluxe extras, including radio and twin sun visors.’
Bolt released a press release apologising to his many fans who were disappointed he hadn’t eaten something more flashy, such as a Ferrari F40. But as a Morris Oxford is not considered a performance-enhancing vehicle, Bolt pointed out he has done nothing illegal.
‘I’ll still be at the London Olympics,’ the shamed athlete said in a defiant statement. ‘And my last warm-up race will be the Cambridge-Oxford Owners Club summer rally from Woking to Brighton.’