Embarrassed security chiefs were caught napping on the job when it was revealed Britons are more at risk from wasp attacks than from Al Qaeda terrorists.
‘Bloody hell,’ said M15 boss Jonathan Evans. ‘There’s hundreds of millions of the fuckers in Britain and we don’t even know where their training camps are. This is serious.’
However, an unnamed MI5 source moved to calm the public. ‘Citizens can be assured MI5 will be breaking any laws necessary to protect them from this new threat,’ said the source. ‘Our chaps are on the job, don’t worry. There’s a nest up in Luton we’re keeping a very close eye on.’
‘We’re also picking up a lot of buzz from a Birmingham nest, and are stopping and searching all wasps in Tower Hamlets. I’d like to remind the public that only a very small fraction of British wasps have been radicalised.’ The main security concern is a massed Mumbai-style suicide attack on the Olympics, the source said. ‘If they get past our Tornados and the Leytonstone Anti-Aircraft battery there could be mass stingings throughout Olympic Park.’
The CIA is equally concerned at the new threat and is currently building thousands of wasps’ nests at Guantanamo Bay. Already it’s been reported one hard-core wasp who stung a little kiddie in Dorset has been renditioned to Jordan where it faces waterboarding and denial of honey.’