Jubilant scientists in CERN have confirmed the first known sighting of the infinitesimally small ‘collective conscience of the bankers’, after a hunt lasting many years. ‘We knew one banker, somewhere, must have had a pang of guilt at least once,’ declared an exhausted and delighted spokesman. ‘All it took to find it was several billion dollars, hundreds of scientists, and a massive bribe to someone in the city for inside information.’
The kind thought is believed to be an echo of the 1987 Big Bang, when a stockbroker driving away from a wine bar fleetingly asked himself ‘should I stop to check whether the whore under the wheels of my Porsche is ok?’ before concluding ‘nah, bugger it – the NHS is what my taxes are for. And I pay too many of them’.
The theory that bankers could be nice dates back to the 1960s, but it is only in the last decade that computer power has enabled research to prove the idea. ‘We thought the guy who first proposed it must have been some well-meaning loved-up hippy off his face – I mean, who’d have thought money men weren’t all evil?’ declared the spokesman. ‘But, give him his due, he was right.’
The state-of-the –mind-reading art equipment failed several times when first powered up, due to being overloaded with the white noise of the milk of human kindness from normal people, but then the hunt narrowed. ‘We got down to a slim spectrum of possible conscience, and then the hard work began,’ said the spokesmen. ‘For instance, the whole of 2010 was spent mistakenly tracking what turned out to be the charitable concerns of no-win-no-fee asbestos claims lawyers.’
Now that the experiment is finished, CERN’s owners are left wondering what to do with a huge reinforced concrete bunker under Switzerland, and it is understood Barclays Bank have expressed an interest in the site for a new international headquarters. ‘We’re getting a lot of flack from you oiks,’ said a banker, ‘and we’re moving underground just as soon as we get planning permission for the secret rocket base and piranha tank. One way or another, we’ll make you pay for all this. Mwahahahahahah.’