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Spectators will be subject to random searches for enjoyment-enhancing drugs at all Olympic venues, organisers confirmed today.

‘It’s simply not fair on the vast majority of fans who don’t use drugs and face hours of joyless squinting across massivestadia to see tiny distant New Zealanders coming fourth in the triple jump,’ said an Olympic spokesman. ‘People who have paid hundreds for their seat simply don’t want to sit next to someone enjoying themselves artificially.’

Athletes have supported the move to ensure enjoyment is earned the hard way, saying the Games could be tarnished forever if it was thought some of the crowd’s cheers were the result of chemically enhanced exuberance.

Eyebrows have been raised, though, by the suggestion that spot checks could even be carried out on people at home who may have used banned substances to enhance their Olympic TV viewing. These include Tia Maria, White Shield Barley Wine and Ketamine, for the equestrian events.