After more than 50 years since the first dinner party was ruined by someone saying ‘I can’t eat this, I’m vegetarian’, a protest which was then taken up by millions of people worldwide finally came to an end this morning as vegetarians everywhere returned to eating any and all types of meat.
‘It’s been one of the most successful and long running protests in human history, but I think we’ve made our point,’ announced the Chief Executive of the Vegetarian Society, Jon Green, this morning. ‘Everything has to come to an end, and quite frankly if I never see another soya bean again, it’ll be too soon. I’m off to that Michel Roux’s place for some foie gras and a fillet steak.’
It has been a long and winding road for many protesters, some whom had chosen to abstain from eating meat completely, while others had pioneered their own brand of vegetarianism by only eating animals that could swim, such as fish, penguins and bears. But all now agree that the time is right to turn carnivore again.
‘The longer it’s gone on,’ said Paul McCartney, ‘the more many of us have come to realise that maybe cows and sheep actually like being eaten. I mean, they’d certainly eat us given half a chance. Despite the end of the protest, I will of course be continuing to flog Linda’s veggie burgers, but now they’ll have bacon in them.’
Butchers up and down the country are temporarily opening 7 days a week to deal with the sudden increase in demand for meat, but their respect for the protesters’ principles remains intact. ‘The vegetarian protest certainly taught us a lesson over the last 50 years,’ said one humbled butcher. ‘But right now if I was a cow, sheep or pig, I’d be shitting myself.’
The Masked Frog