An Idiot’s Guide to… Canada

And what the hell is a Mountie?

As the old song goes, ‘It’s big, it’s bare, it’s somewhere over there’. This sums up succinctly what most people feel about the great nation of Canada. Well, we are here to help, with our rough guide to this wild outpost.

  • Canada was discovered in 1874 by the residents of Montana, USA, who decided to knock through and make better use of the space.
  • The country is most famous for being the largest landmass that people tend to forget even exists.
  • Canada’s most famous export was the clothing retailers C&A. Though successful in mainland Europe, the brand suffered in the UK due to their insistence on half of their in-store signage being written in French.
  • Canada is part of the G7 and G8 group of nations. It hopes to join the G9 group when it is formed so they can complete the world’s largest game of Battleships.
  • Toronto’s CN Tower was once the tallest building in the world. It is famed for its construction, though it is acknowledged that its one downside is that, from the top, all you can see is lots more of Toronto.
  • The national currency is the Canadian Dollar. This is exactly the same as the American Dollar and stores happily accept both without complaint.
  • One of Canada’s national sports is Lacrosse, which is a form of Ice Hockey played by people who value their teeth.
  • Canada is one of the top 3 manufacturers of mountains, only beaten by Switzerland for tax purposes.
  • Their national anthem is the cleverly named “Oh Canada”, though most people are happy to sing a rendition of “2 Polar Bears and 1 Stanley Cup, doo dah, doo dah”.
  • Canadians are disliked by many people as they are 50% American and 50% French, though they are the number one food supply of Polar Bears.
  • Canada has a highly-developed space exploration program. Many Canadians are keen on this as it symbolises a chance to get as far away from America as possible.
  • One of Canada’s most famous sons is Benton Fraser from the TV show “Due South”, despite the fact he is merely fictional.

So why not come to Canada, if you can work out where it is. Canada – the only part of France that Germany hasn’t invaded yet.

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Posted: Jul 16th, 2012 by

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