Security firm G4S were today announced as the surprise winners of the contract to backfill police shortages caused by thousands of police officers having to cover the shortage in Olympic security positions.
The Government minister with responsibilities for the Olympics, Jeremy Hunt, explained the awarding of the contract showed that ‘this Governemnt is committed to an ongoing listening excersie around costs, security, and the ineptitude of many private companies, but that most importantly, and I cannot stress this enough, we have learned little to nothing from the last few months and are looking forward to making the same mistakes over and over again until something goes right’.
G4S chief exec Bob Something was surprised by the successful bid, highlighting the fact that it had been submitted ‘as something of a private joke’ but that he looked forward to ‘making a bit more money out of the whole thing’, He also revealed his hastily drafted plans to start a process of press ganging girl guides into joining the volunteer police force. ‘We’ve already spoken to someone on the internet who reckons that there’ might be a Girl Guide badge for targetting knife and gun crime, or if there isn’t then we could create one, so the girls who do make it through the afternoon training session and then the 4 weeks of violent altercations will gain real life street smarts, a badge and a letter from the Mayor. In lieu of any actual pay of course.’